Heading to Blissdom

I went to the Blissdom blog conference last year in Nashville and I’m super excited to go again! This year I’ll be going as  community leader for the blissdom newbies, so it adds an extra level of excitement (and anxiety).

It’s funny how something like this can stir up feelings reminiscent of highschool. We have to make business and networking decisions that we hope will expand our blogs; which sessions to go to, the people to hang out with, where to sit at lunch. You hope you don’t say anything stupid, or you know…..trip and fall down the stairs. And then they’re is the whole “deciding what to wear” issue. It’s about enough to make a girl go nuts. Especially someone who has never been to Blissdom before.

So just a few short tips:

The thing about the Opryland Hotel is, 1) it’s awesome.

and 2) You walk a ton. (which is good because of all the good food you eat…..)

(last year I wore these cutesy slippers when I got tired of my heels)

I never found the “perfect clothes” last year, and that’s ok. I brought what I felt good in. I’m not the most fashionable gal in the world, (which I was keenly aware of rooming with fashionable JoLynne from Musings of a Housewife) but I don’t think most noticed. I didn’t really see what other people were wearing anyways! This year I hope to do a bit better.

I also loved bringing along my datebook last year to hold all of the business cards from other bloggers I met. I just pop in a baseball card insert (from like a million years ago when I thought it was cool to collect them…….I have a bunch of cards, anyone want them?) and I can easily see the info I need! And make sure your own business cards have your blog URL, email address, and if you have room, your avatar. Sure, social media is nice to put on there too, especially twitter, but if you have all that info on your blog, you’re good to go.

If you’re going too, I recommend checking out the Blissdom blog where they talk about all of the “insider tips”; from getting there, to making your way around the enormous hotel, to getting the most out of your experience.

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What You Should (and Shouldn’t) Say to Someone Who has Lost a Baby

I have come to find out first hand how incredibly difficult losing a baby is.

I have had friends and family that have loved me and supported me through these trying times. The ones who have been in my shoes before often times give me advice that are like balm to an open sore. But sometimes words can sting a bit too, even though they may be said with love. Though mostly they are said to fill the silence and try to minimize grief.

And maybe you’ve never experienced the loss of a baby, either by miscarriage or stillbirth. It can feel awkward not knowing what to say. I was once there too, having friends lose little ones and feeling like I was supposed to say something, yet trying to make sure I didn’t cause additional pain. Tripping over my words, everything seeming so hollow.

A while ago I asked my Facebook Friends to help me with this post and give me some of the things that people should and shouldn’t say. The problem with this list is that we all grieve differently, what may hurt one woman might not affect another.

You Shouldn’t:

• You shouldn’t ask: “were you trying?” It’s just completely irrelevant, and parents fall in love with their babies whether they’ve been trying for a long time or when they are ‘planned’.

• You shouldn’t: avoid them or pretend like it never happened. Yes, the couple may still be grieving and it may be awkward, but please don’t ignore the them. Saying nothing about their loss makes them feel more invisible or like the baby didn’t matter.

• You shouldn’t say: “It’s for the best/ It’s better this way.” Would you say this to someone who lost a parent or spouse to cancer? What about someone who lost a friend or relative in a car accident? Did those people die because it is somehow better that they did? The loss of this little baby is the loss of a person, and no grieving parent wants to hear that their child died because it’s better this way.

• You shouldn’t say: “there was probably something wrong with the baby.” Because no matter the disease, disorder, or handicap, the parent still misses their dear child. They would gladly welcome a special needs baby to their family.
  

• You shouldn’t say: “better luck next time.” This was actually mentioned a couple of times, so I thought I’d better include it. Though it seems so rude. I guess there are some pretty unsympathetic people out there.
  

• You shouldn’t say: “there will be more chances in the future.” or “you’re young you will have more.” No one has a “crystal ball”, no one knows the will of God. While you feel that this may help a hurting heart, it in fact minimizes their grief, and may not necessarily be true.
  

“This pregnancy, THIS child was special, loved and lost. It takes time to grieve that loss before considering trying another time to bring another life into the world. It’s not a ring toss. It’s a baby. Trying again has a much different context in that regard.” -Real Food Whole Health

• You shouldn’t say: “at least you have other kids.” Yes, to a couple that has other children, their sweet little ones here may be of some comfort. But they still miss THIS child and had dreams for THIS child.

• You shouldn’t say: “God wanted it this way.” or “It is God’s will.” This may be so. And it may be that we live in a fallen world where death and disease are part of it. But words said to minimize grief tend to make the mourning parent feel like they shouldn’t be sad. They may know that this was in God’s will, but they are still allowed to grieve.
  

• You shouldn’t: tell them you understand when you don’t. Even if you have experienced the loss of a baby, all of our stories are different: This couple may have struggled to get pregnant, this may not be their first loss. It may be her first child, or it may be her fourth (the grief will hit just as deeply, but the emotions and the reactions may be different). She may be waiting to miscarry yet, or she may not have found out until the miscarriage started. She may have had to experience a procedure called a D&C to remove the baby, or she may have had to deliver her baby at home, all alone in the bathroom. She may have to cancel orders for, or put away the maternity clothes. She may have to put away baby things. 

And all of us experience grief differently. Some women have to deal with anger, others extreme sadness. Many experience some    type of depression or anxiety and whether or not you’ve experienced a loss, you just can’t understand how she feels.

• You shouldn’t: call the baby “it”. One of the hardest things for a grieving mother to deal with is the fact that most of the medical community (especially for a loss in the first half of the pregnancy) medicalize what’s happening. The baby is only referred to as “tissue”, and they are almost afraid to humanize this little being, like somehow this will help a woman/couple get over their grief.

• You shouldn’t say: “it was just not meant to be.” Again, would you say this had they lost another family member? It’s just not helpful and can hurt.

• You shouldn’t: try to force them to “get over it” too quickly, before they are ready or when their grieving style is different than yours. We all go through the stages of grief differently, some quicker than others. The grief also comes in waves, one day they may be fine, the next may be quite difficult. Seemingly little things can bring back floods of emotion.
  

• You shouldn’t say: “you are getting up there in age and your eggs aren’t as perfect as they once were.” Most women start to blame themselves, that their body somehow did this. It’s hard enough for a grieving mother to comes to terms with the loss when she feels like she is somehow responsible.
  

• You shouldn’t say: “Be glad that he/she is in such a better place now.” Yes, this is true. But any parent who has lost a child can tell you that they would like to hold their child now. To enjoy them now, and watch them grow up, now. They know where their baby is, but it’s so hard to be glad about it.
  

• You shouldn’t: get mad at them or take it personally if they don’t call you immediately to tell you (even if you are a family member). Every person shares the news in the way that is most therapeutic for them, and sometimes having to speak over the phone about the loss of a baby when the grief is so fresh is extremely difficult.

• You shouldn’t say: “At least you weren’t that far along.” Would you say that it was better for someone to die at age 23 instead of 67? No matter how far along she was, the couple is still dealing with the loss of a baby and already fell in love with this little person. They most likely had already been planning out the logistics of bringing a new baby into the family. This was their baby, no matter how small.

• You shouldn’t ask: “what did you do wrong?” or “what was the problem?” Again, she may already be dealing with the issue of blaming herself for something she did, and asking this can cause a great amount of guilt. Most miscarriages, unless you’ve had multiple, are not usually ‘diagnosed’ and there is no testing done. So they may never know why their little one passed away.
  

• You shouldn’t forget: it takes time to heal, physically & emotionally. Sometimes the physical process of miscarriage is much overlooked. Even the medical community considers it like a heavy period. But on top of the bleeding (which sometimes can be so heavy it leaves the woman anemic for months) she also has to deal with the major hormone upheaval that happens after a pregnancy. She may need many weeks or even months to heal and spend time out of public eye.

• You shouldn’t: bring your new baby to “cheer them up”. Children should always be left at home when visiting a grieving family, especially infant babies when they’ve lost a baby themselves.

• You shouldn’t: imply that her loss isn’t that bad or compare her situation to someone else’s loss. Just because someone else has lost more babies, or were further along, or lost twins, doesn’t mean that this couple shouldn’t grieve as deeply.

• You shouldn’t: take it personally if she seems to avoid you or defriends you (or hides you) on facebook, especially if you are pregnant yourself. Losing a baby is difficult, and seeing a pregnant relative or friend’s belly grow each week can often be a painful reminder. So please give them space if that is what they need. Don’t forget about them, just know that some women need extra space.

•  You shouldn’t ask: “if/when they’ll have another child” or “ask if/when someone else will have another child”. First off, to put it bluntly, it’s none of your business. This couple may have dealt with infertility and have no idea when they’ll be able to conceive again, or afford more treatments. They may be dealing with physical issues due to the miscarriage that will prevent them from having another baby for some time. They may need more time to grieve or may be worried about a future pregnancy. And to the second comment, again, it’s just none of your business, or theirs, to know what any couple is doing to grow their family.

• You shouldn’t: surprise them around a group of people with news of your own pregnancy. Yes, your pregnancy should be received with joy, but many times it’s difficult for a couple (especially the woman) to be surprised by your news. Especially when it involves a group of people or public place. Don’t get me wrong – she will be happy for you, but many times she will also need to grieve the loss of her baby and the loss of her dream first. Telling her privately beforehand is a nice gesture.

• You shouldn’t ask: Is there anything I can do? A grieving family can rarely come up with something you can do to help. So when you ask, also ask specifics. (“Can I help clean, bring a meal, get groceries, etc)

• You shouldn’t: pressure them or tell them what to do regarding miscarriage inducing drugs or d&c. If you’ve been through a miscarriage or loss of a baby, share your experiences, but let them make their own decisions. Some women were grateful to have the option of a D&C, others preferred to miscarry at home.

photo credit: jlcernadas

You Should:

• You should say: “I am so sorry for your loss”

• You should: bring them a meal. The physical process of a miscarriage is much like the birth of a baby. She’ll go through contractions, many times it’s painful. The grief can be overwhelming for at least the first few weeks. People bring food after the birth of a baby, and people bring food after the loss of a family member. This is both, ask when you can bring them a meal.

• You should: give them a hug and let them know you care and are thinking about them.

• You should: Send them a card. Many times these are the only physical things that they can hold that are proof their baby existed. I can’t begin to tell you how precious those cards are that I received.

• You should: offer physical help. Taking out the garbage, washing dishes, mopping floors, take their dog for a walk, pick up groceries – these are the things they may be unable to do or to keep up on for the first few weeks. My sister came and washed my dishes after they’d piled up for over a week and it was a wonderful expression of her love. (and if they have other small children, you could offer to babysit – though they may want their children close by – or play with them outside)

• You should say: “I don’t know what to say, but I’m so sorry.”

• You should: share your own story of loss, gently, and without minimizing their pain. Women who have been there before can often times minister in such a special way.

• You should: be gentle in your speaking.

• You should: be a shoulder to cry on. In dealing with grief, people may cry. And while it can sometimes feel awkward talking to a crying person, know that they need to cry at that very moment. No words are needed.

• You should: pray for them. Let them know you are praying, ask them what their specific prayer requests are, pray with them.

• You should: encourage them to rest and take time to heal both physically and emotionally.

• You should: acknowledge there was a baby. Call it a baby, talk about the baby, mention their baby by name if they decided to name him/her.

• You should: listen when she needs to talk, reserving all judgment.

• You should: remember this child.  Write down the date of the loss or the due date and send a note letting them know you’re thinking about them. These dates, along with major holidays in that first year or two bring a lot of different emotions to surface. Mother’s remember their babies due dates and not a year goes by that most don’t take notice. The first few years are especially painful.

What else do you have to add? What did someone do for you during the loss of your baby that truly helped you?

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Homemade Vanilla Extract {recipe}

Homemade vanilla extract is far better than it’s store counterpart. You just need a bit of patience. And the stuff you find in the store regularly has added corn syrup and flavorings – a major no-no. Especially when you’re trying to cook tasty whole foods!

I’ve made a couple of large batches of this over the years, so you’ll have to forgive me for taking so long to get to this post.

It’s a simple process really, you buy vanilla beans and soak them in alcohol for a specific amount of time. And there is really no wrong way to do it, though there are approximately 354,759 different recipes on the internet.

Homemade Vanilla Extract

Ingredients
750ml of vodka (you can also use bourbon or rum)
15-20 vanilla beans (I buy mine from Mountain Rose Herbs)

You’ll also need either a mason jar or smaller jars if you’re gifting.

Method of Preparation

1. Take each vanilla bean and cut it to the length of your jar – you want to make sure it’s fully covered. Slice lengthwise through only half of it, keeping one end attached. You want to expose the beans, but not necessarily allow them to fall out into the vanilla. (While this isn’t a taste issue, it does make prettier vanilla extract if you don’t have a ton of beans floating about.)

2. Place beans in a quart size mason jar and cover with vodka.

3. Place the lid on and shake it gently. Each day for about a week or so, give it a couple of shakes. (I usually leave mine out on the counter during this time so I remember)

4. After a week or so, you can put the jar somewhere out-of-the-way, like a kitchen cupboard, and shake it gently just once a week. Or so.

The vanilla is ready to use after about 6 weeks, though the longer it sits, the better it tastes. Four months is absolute perfection. Just pour out the vanilla into another jar and then you can actually re-use the beans to make at least one more batch.

Tips and tricks:

• Most directions say to place it in a cool dark place – it’s what I do. But my friend Jodi put her homemade vanilla in the sun and it worked just fine.
• The vodka you buy DOES make a difference. Cheap stuff is, well…..cheap stuff. Buy at least a mid-priced vodka and you’ll get a better product.
• If you’re not used to buying alcohol and really have no idea what to buy, go to a liquor store. This way you can just ask the guy at the counter for a mid-priced vodka instead of standing at the supermarket feeling silly in front of a massive wall of booze.
• Jodi was also the one that bought a bunch of cute little jars for us to use.
• And she also made her vanilla IN those little jars.
• Katie used bourbon in her vanilla.
• And Crystal actually just put the vanilla beans in the jar of vodka. Uh…brilliant!

slicing through just half of the bean

immersed in vodka - now let it sit

Have you made your own vanilla before? What process do you use?

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Simple Ways to Clean Up Your Diet

Today I’m posting over at Simple Organic on 10 simple ways to clean up your diet. These aren’t big changes, we don’t even discuss meat or milk! But these changes really add up to significant health benefits.

When most people start thinking about healthier eating and cleaning up their diet, they easily get overwhelmed. And how can you not with all the information out there? All of a sudden everything in your kitchen looks toxic and you have no idea where to start. Or the idea of buying expensive organic and grass-fed products seem out of reach. These simple changes will get you headed in the right direction.

[Continue reading HERE.......]

This last weekend I started working on a few of my reading goals, and began the book Organized Simplicity by Tsh Oxenreider (who blogs at Simple Mom.

Ummmm, wow.

Couple of quotes from the book:

According to the Neilsen Company, the average American watches more than four hour of TV each day – that’s 28 hours per week, or two months of non-stop TV watching per year. In an eighty-year life, that person will have spent more than thirteen years glued to the tube.

TV has always been one of those things that I know I don’t really like, yet we always sit down at the end of the day with a loud sigh and veg out. For me, it’s about 2 hours each night, sometimes 3. And yes, sometimes I’m blogging or writing, sometimes reading, sometimes folding laundry, but I never really thought about how much of my YEAR I spent watching it. Even at the minimum of 2 hours a day, I’m still sitting an entire MONTH of my life on the couch in front of the TV.

Not cool.

Not cool at all.

Why on earth do we willingly hand over our physical health, our ability to self-entertain, and our time to an electronic box, and then moan that we never have enough time?

I’m enjoying this book as it’s really getting me to think about how I go about my day and the time wasters I allow between the things I find most important.

As for now, I’m leaving this screen before my time here turns to the black hole of social media. I might just hop on the treadmill for a couple of sprints, grab my herbal tea and a piece of peppermint bark, (from Katie’s book Smart Sweets) and curl up with Crazy Love. It’s raining and windy (not normal for Michigan in January!) and nothing sounds better than reading a book at the moment.

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Menu Plan {1.23.12}

Part of staying a bit more organized and getting my household under control is menu planning. Not only can I have meals on the table in less time, but I save a bit of money each week as well.

This menu plan mine.

This isn’t a recommendation of what you should be eating, but rather a sample of the foods we eat each week in our home. I strive to live by my “Natural Fertility Manifesto”, which includes plenty of nutrient dense, whole foods and very limited sweets.

Soaked Oatmeal

Monday:

pre-breakfast – hot water with lemon

Breakfast - soaked oatmeal with  butter, cream, and a bit of maple syrup

Lunch – hardboiled eggs, large salad with 3 different colored veggies and homemade dressing

Dinner – venison roast with carrots, potatoes, and celery

Homemade Corn Tortillas

Tuesday:

pre-breakfast – hot water with lemon

Breakfast – omelet with sautéed veggies

Lunch – ‘leftover’ soup (any meat and veggies I have on hand)

Dinner – tacos with homemade seasoning, corn shells, avocado aioli, and cut onion

Wednesday:

pre-breakfast – hot water with lemon

Breakfast – scrambled eggs, sautéed kale, sausage

Lunch – rice cooked in broth, steamed veggies

Dinner – venison steaks, baked potato, steamed broccoli

Thursday:

pre-breakfast – hot water with lemon

Breakfast – arroz con leche (rice pudding)

Lunch – hard boiled eggs, cut veggies and dip, fruit and yogurt

Dinner – roast chicken, veggie rice, steamed veggies

Build a Better Salad

 Friday:

pre-breakfast – hot water with lemon

Breakfast – fried eggs over sautéed kale, fruit

Lunch – large salad / leftovers

Dinner – homemade gluten free pizza

Saturday:

pre-breakfast – hot water with lemon

Breakfast – whole grain pancakes and sausage, fruit

Lunch – salmon patties, steamed veggies

Dinner – chicken soup with wild rice (using leftover chicken from Thursday and broth made from those bones)

Beverages:

• raw milk
• kombucha
• herbal teas with honey
• lemon water

Snacks:

• cut veggies
• fruit
• crispy almonds
• cheese
• hardboiled eggs
• homemade larabars (from the Healthy Snacks to Go ebook)

Caramel Corn

Sweets:

• Peppermint Bark (from the Smart Sweets ebook)
• Caramel Corn (for family movie night!)

For more menu planning inspiration, check out Menu Plan Monday and Stephanie Langford’s new ebook “Don’t Panic, Plan It: Everything You Need to Successfully Create and Use a Meal Plan”.

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