Healing Emotionally after Miscarriage

Your body and heart have special needs during and after a miscarriage. I’ve asked my dear friend Michele, of Frugal Granola to share a 3 part series with on us on the healing after miscarriage – physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

rose

photo credit: mtungate

A flood of emotions may pour over you in your journey through miscarriage. Grief is always a fluctuating, organic experience. It’s not a time of predictable “stages.” You won’t always know what is coming next, and waves of grief may catch you by surprise.

In addition, husbands and wives will grieve differently, often being in different “stages” in any one day. (My husband wrote about our infertility/miscarriage experience here from his point of view.)

Take time as husband and wife to rest and grieve together, sharing your hearts’ dreams and disappointments. In the midst of raw grief and hormonal fluctuations, conversations can be challenging at first, but try to keep communication open and full of grace during this season.

Choosing a name for the baby, scrapbooking/journaling, and/or planning a small memorial service can be healing steps. Even just lighting a candle can be a soothing reminder.

Visiting favorite restful getaways or mini retreats can be helpful to the healing journey, whether alone or together. A quiet time of prayer on a forest hike, a weekend of watching stormy waves on the beach, a walk though local rose gardens, or a stay at a bed & breakfast or campsite may help revive your spirit and give you time to walk through your grief.

Telling others about your loss can be an especially challenging part of the journey. Writing a letter to extended family and friends, in a card expressing your heart, can be a simple way of sharing about your loss without having to voice the same sad words repeatedly.

Phone calls to close family and friends are an opportunity to let them know how they can help support you in the coming weeks (meals, house cleaning, childcare, as well as telling others for you).

As people hear about your loss, they may express often well-meaning, but insensitive or painful thoughts. In the rawness of your grief, these words may especially catch you by surprise.

It may be helpful to prayerfully prepare in advance (before going out into public) some affirming words that you can speak in response, which honor the miracle of the little soul you carried- and will always love. (We’ll talk more about the spiritual aspects of miscarriage in the next segment.)

If you have journeyed through a miscarriage, what words were affirming for you during this time?

Michele and her husband Calvin live a simple & sustainable life as innkeepers at Hampton Creek Inn in rural Washington with their two little ones. Michele loves encouraging women and equipping them for frugal, natural living through her blog, Frugal Granola.

Check out this month\'s sponsor, Natural Fertility Shop. They are 100% focused on helping you during your journey towards parenthood and have expert staff and knowledgeable customer service here to help you every step of the way.

All images and content are protected under US copyright laws, please do not copy and paste.

Links in the post above may be affiliate or referral links - meaning that through a sale I may be given monetary benefit. I blog with integrity and only endorse companies and products I love.

I am not a doctor and don\'t pretend to be one. Use everything you read only to inspire you to do your own research and be an advocate for your own health. Please read my disclaimer in full.

About Donielle

Donielle is an amateur herbalist and natural momma to two littles (with another babe in heaven) after dealing with being less than fertile. She has a passion for nourishing nutrition, natural living, and spreading the word on how food truly affects our health.

Comments

  1. I found that while it was physically painful, much more so than I had anticipated, the worst part of the process was the emotional pain. At the time a dear friend and her family was living with us and she had her 3rd child just 3 days after I miscarried our first at 3 mos. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone about it for a long time and couldn’t bear to see her new baby. It was over a year before I talked to anyone and several years before I talked to her, my best friend. If I had to go through it again I would open up more to the people closest to me and allow them to help me heal. When we became preg again we waited until 14 weeks before we told all but 2 people. Just so that if the unthinkable happened again we’d have that many fewer people to deal with.

  2. The emotional healing from my son’s stillbirth (any loss after 20 weeks) is an ongoing process for me. It’s only been about 5 months, but I did experience many ups and downs. I had a difficult time around what should have been my due date, although I was doing better before that, and have been doing better since. I have found that therapy is helpful. Probably the worst part for me emotionally has been trying to accept that my husband’s family is not comfortable expressing their emotions or discussing what happened. Often their silence makes me think they don’t care, and that hurts. I have to remind myself that they just don’t know what to say or do. Also the fact that my husband’s sister had a baby less than 2 months after my loss was extremely difficult. It’s easy to be bitter that other people seem to take for granted what I want so badly and don’t have. There are many things I plan to do differently next time, including working part time during my pregnancy (hopefully), decreasing my activities, and finding out the gender. Not that I have regrets, just that my priorities have changed.

  3. One of the best things for us emotionally, moreso myself, after having miscarried at 3 1/2 mos was getting pregnant again. I was constantly worried with the subsequent pregnancy up until we hit the 15wk mark and heard his heartbeat for the second time, indicating we had made it past the point of our miscarriage. After that point it was the absolute BEST thing for me as it helped give me another little one to focus on and while I will never forget Baby November (we never chose to name him/her), it was a huge step in moving forward and helped me move past the hurt and look forward to the future of our son. :)

    Ashlee Reply:

    @Valerie,
    Can I ask how long you waited before trying again? I want to try again so badly but am I just doing it to distract myself or make it stop hurting so bad? Thanks for any advice :)

  4. After 6 years of trying to conceive and several very early miscarriages, DH and I finally conceived. The pregnancy had a rocky start, but after a while things seemed to be progressing in a healthy and normal manner. However, my water broke and I went into premature labor at just 18 1/2 weeks and delivered our tiny son, who was too small to make it. It happened this past July; he was due in December, so the pain is still somewhat fresh.

    I found that writing about it (by means of a diary or short story) were EXTREMELY cathartic. I also designed a tombstone for him, and I found that to be oddly comforting as well. I had two new foster children (we became foster parents at the beginning of the pregnancy) that required my attention and had it not been for them, I would have found it extremely difficult to find the motivation to do anything. Having someone else need me helped distract me from wallowing in my self pity. Also, after a week or so, despite my resistance, resuming some normal activities, such as grocery shopping, going to church, or taking the kids to the park (if the body is healed enough and well rested) helped tremendously.

    I also found that allowing myself to feel the emotions (as opposed to stifling them) in the moments they came helped and still help, as I still have moments, although fewer and farther between. I also found that letting myself laugh and not feeling guilty (or at least TRYING not to feel guilty) helped.

    Know that greiving never stops, and you can never know what will trigger a moment, although you do begin to feel like yourself again. Also know that just because you long for another child doesn’t mean that you can ever replace your angel baby(ies). Even mother’s who have healthy babies sometimes long for more. So it is with mother’s with empty arms.

    If you have no other children, know that you still are and will always be a mama.

    Holly Reply:

    Brandy I’m so sorry for your loss, your story breaks my heart. I’ve been reading through a lot of comments and stuff after the loss of our baby at 14 weeks gestation. For some reason I find what you wrote here particularily helpful. Thanks for your practicle tips on getting out, letting yourself grieve or laugh. My thoughts are with you as you continue to heal.@Brandy,

  5. I haven’t had a miscarriage. But someone I knew had one around the time I got pregnant this time, and after listening to her, I thought, I kind of get it. I could feel that if I lost my baby, I would grieve, because I want THIS baby, not “a” baby. So it seems to me that talking about the baby like a reality, not just a “pregnancy” that you can replace would be helpful, and asking if the person wants to share their hopes and dreams that are now gone. Acknowledge that a person, no matter how small, is now gone. At least that is what I think, but like I said I have not been there.

    Rebekah Reply:

    @Kate @ Modern Alternative Mama, You are exactly right. I just lost a baby at 14 wks. I saw that precious baby and afterwards all I wanted was that baby. Thank you for affirming this.

  6. This is a wonderful and much, much needed topic.

    I am terrifically blessed to be the mother of three amazing young men-in-the-making here on earth, and we have five children in Heaven.

    Our pattern was miscarry, give birth, miscarry, give birth, so I was sure that we would lose our fifth baby, but he is very much with us, thanks be to God. Then we lost two babies within ten weeks of each other soon after my husband returned from Iraq, and our last pregnancy also ended in miscarriage a year ago November. These children are Rose, Mary Elizabeth, Pio, Thomas and Edward.

    Anniversaries hit like tsunamis some years, while others times register barely a ripple. All were first trimester; the middle three babies I lost within the first two weeks (low progesterone) and my sweet bookends were both around 7-8 weeks. Physically, it was as painful as labor; emotionally, it was a mine field.

    Faith is what keeps me from merely existing as a dysfunctional basket case. I’ve been blessed with experiences that have shown me that life begins at conception – a very unique, unrepeatable, incredible life – and that even when motherhood is only a whiff, that soul was known, planned, and loved by God from before He breathed the universe into being. Such a consolation! They are no less our children just because they’ve never taken a breath, and considering that God waited so patiently for millennia to pass until He was ready to knit them in my womb, we can’t help but to call them by name and include them in our family size.

    Everyone has to figure out their own comfort zone when it comes to losing a child, but a wise friend once told me, “If you celebrate alone, you grieve alone.” She’s a mother of 17 (11 miscarriages), so I figured that it was wisdom worth considering. I considered this, and it was a much smoother healing process on those last babies when I was being held up by my friends; it meant everything. But everyone is different, and quite honestly, you don’t know how you’ll feel or what you’ll do until you find yourself smack in the middle of it.

    I’ve gone way too long here, but I hope and pray for God to bless all of the mothers (and fathers) here, and all of those thoughtful souls who seek to hold them up.

  7. I LOVE your website-although I am far from where I want to be on changing my diet etc. I still think that the information that I got from your site gets credit for our FINALLY having a child to raise after losing 3, and having difficulty conceiving. I mentioned it in a post on my blog b/c I’m planning to start adding some content about pregnancy loss. I linked to this article, as well as the one about the physical aspects of miscarriage. I hope that’s alright. If not, please let me know! Thanks!

  8. I had a miscarriage Jan 20 2011 with my 7th child!
    I was 8wk 4ds.
    Part of my healing has come from the fact that we:

    Gave our baby a name Christian Alexander

    We had a burial for my very tiny embyo/fetus at our local Catholic cemetary. It was FREE ! We will eventually buy a gravemarker.

    My baby was treated with dignity and respect!

    I have a new blog…

    My Journey Through Miscarriage to write about this journey.
    I hope to meet others that will understand the silent pain of miscarriage.
    I only have 2 post there so far. I hope you will come say hi over there?

    Peace and Love,
    Georgiann momma of 6 here on earth and one in heaven!

  9. This is such a great post ! I just finished writing about healing from miscarriage ( we suffered through 9 ) on my blog so I’m going to link this article .I really want to come back and read your other articles too.Thanks a bunch , Rox

  10. had a miscarriage when l was 4 months on the 24th of october 2012, am emootionally disturbed. dnt n wat coursed the miscarriage, its eating me up, had plans and had vowed to take care of my baby nomatter what. l still ask God why it happened to me. hope one day He will tell me the reason why it happened, some tyms l feel empty, and feel like crying all the tym. [email protected] anyone who can help me can send an email

  11. I am touched to read mother’s stories like mine, i had a miscarriage of June 2012 i’m still emotional
    and i keep telling myself it will get better. yes it is true you never forget but in my experience it’s a process.

Trackbacks

  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by NaturallyKnockedUp, Amanda Barlow. Amanda Barlow said: So helpful. http://www.naturallyknockedup.com/emotional-healing-miscarriage/ […]

  2. […] Sound advice in a 3-part series:  Healing Emotionally After Miscarriage. […]