A day etched into my memory.

Not because of what happened, but because of what didn’t.

The loss of a dream.

photo credit: alicepopkorn

Today was my due date.

And instead of holding a new little baby, I’m holding on to the promises of our Creator. That He is loving, and kind, and just. That His peace that passes all understanding washes over me. Filling me.

Instead of being in the trenches of newborn life, I grieve. Yet count the ways I have been blessed and give thanks. For He is good.

While no lullabies are being sung, I sing out in praise to my Heavenly Father.

For my life is no less blessed in trials as it is when I can easily see that life is good. And this one very small and seemingly insignificant child has taught me so much in such a short amount of time.

While difficult, I’ve seen growth in myself, my marriage, and my family. I’ve learned what it means to be held and comforted.

Some days are not easy, and I’m sure some of you have these days as well. I lash out. Where the pain is raw, where my heart aches, and my arms crave to hold. Where I want to disappear, to hide, to spend time alone.

To choose joy is not always easy for me.

But I must choose peace in my here and now. That this is my life. That this is where I’m supposed to be – learning, stretching, growing. Opening myself to His goodness and grace.

Finding joy in my every day life. Even when it’s difficult.

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My mother always put a positive spin on things when I was little, even in less than ideal circumstances. One such instance I’ll never forget, especially now that I know the true story. You see, I remember taking this awesome long walk when I as young. We used to go around the block on our bikes (a couple of miles out here in the country) picking up pop bottles as we went, so that we could buy a few penny candies when we got to the general store on the corner.

But this walk….this was an epic walk. We’d never walked so far from home before. In fact, I don’t remember how we got all that way from home, probably a full five miles, with all four of us young girls in tow and not a stroller in sight. No, I don’t remember that part, but I remember how much FUN we had walking back home. Trying to find the most bottles, skipping along the roadside, checking out the farms and cows on the way.

I didn’t find out until just a few years ago that our car had actually broken down. We were flat broke and couldn’t afford to get it fixed, or even have it insured. And in the age of no cell phones, we had no choice other than to walk home. The weight of that situation seems so heavy to me now, but she never let us see, showing us how to try to find the positive in any situation. Even if she was screaming about it inside.

My mother gave when she had nothing to give and has always been generous with others. I can remember her taking meals to those in need, even when we had to take groceries out of our bags at the store because we didn’t have enough money to buy them all. I remember her giving away things we no longer needed to others who did need them. I remember her helping at church, even when it wasn’t convenient or easy.

She taught me how to take care of myself. Not only in the little things, but also in the big things. I was constantly frustrated with her when she made me make a phone call to order something, or call to set up an appointment. But because of that I was able to set forth on my own and not stumble as much as many others do.

She taught me to question. To spend time and research what I was being told.

My mother didn’t totally freak out when I started dating the “rebel” from church. The one who had long hair and drove a black camaro. The one who had a rap sheet. Well she did try to persuade me otherwise – so maybe she was kinda freaking out. But she accepted him into our family none the less and treated him with nothing but respect.

She taught me how important life is, no matter how little. Even at a young age she brought us to Right to Life events, we lit candle on Sanctity of Life Sunday, she was an advocate for the unborn. She was the only one who treated me as a mother on my very first Mother’s Day, sending me a card when I was just 25 or so weeks pregnant. She celebrated in each of my pregnancies and grieved with me during my miscarriage.

We haven’t always gotten along perfectly and we don’t always agree, but the Lord knew I needed you as a mother to learn from. On your good days and bad, when you felt like you were doing great and when you felt like you were failing, he knew I needed to learn certain lessons from you. And because of that I am who I am today.

So thank you Mom.

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I've talked many times about how important it is that we try and choose foods low in pesticides and fertilizers. It's better for our health and better for our environment.

But trying to buy produce from the gorcoery store that is as "clean" as I'd like it to be, gets difficult. And expensive.

Over the past few years I've been trying my hand at gardening, though I did take last year off due to writing a book instead. But we have a big problem here at our house. Most of the dirt in our yard was brought in by the developer a few years back. It's quite sandy, and very lacking in nutrients. We've brought in some top soil for the garden and our chickens have been "fertilizing" it for the past year, but I know we'll still need a bit of help.

I'm so glad that I was contacted to review the organic plant food from Whitney Farms®.They have an entire line of plant foods that are free of additives and contain no artificial ingredients. It contains beneficial microbes as well as both the micro and macro nutrients needed for plant health. I'm excited that I can give my plants an extra boost and still protect my health while building up the organic soil in my garden instead of harming the soil with conventional products.

We're also going to be planting some fruit trees this next week, which I'm really excited about! And I'm glad I'll be able to use the organic plant food from Whitney Farms® to help give them a bit of tender loving care. Especially since the other two trees we've planted have not done so well and also need to be replaced.

Right now you can also get a $3.00 coupon on the Whitney Farms® website.

I'll be able to start getting my plants and trees in the ground over the next week or so – how are you making sure your garden stays organic this year?

We turn our focus inward, separating ourselves from others.

What we lack becomes our only focus. We get angry, bitter, sad, depressed. Skipping Mother’s Day get-togethers with family or services at church.

We’re being selfish, but we have a right to be. Right?

I want to challenge you this year, to make a change. To make a difference.

Over the last few months, since our baby passed away, I’ve been thinking. A lot. I always looked at other people in crummy situations and thought “If that ever happened to me, I’d still live out my life to the fullest. I would choose to be happy and make the best of my situation! I would want to be a witness to others for God’s amazing love, even though I struggle.”

But I haven’t always done that.

In fact, I’ve done a really bad job of doing that.

I may not have cancer, and I may not deal with physical limitations, but I still get brought down with my struggles. I let Satan’s record play over and over in my head, telling me I’m not good enough. That I’m not worthy, that something is wrong with me. I allow the events of my miscarriage to replay over and over, robbing me of the peace I’ve experience over the last few months. The grief keeping me up at night until the darkness overwhelms me. I dwell on how “unfair” it all is.

My grief became sin.

And I call out to God – crying and pleading for peace, to settle my soul. But it doesn’t come…… until I realize that the little voice in my head is not my own.

Are you allowing yourself to be brought down by the one who wants to see our demise? Are you in a battle against the enemy that wants nothing more than to make you feel miserable, so much so that you stop doing the work of the Lord?

My dear friend, I want you to know that you are enough.

You are good enough, you are whole enough, and you are so very loved. Your status as a mother does not define who you are. And we can not let these attacks on our emotions take control of us.

“Set me free from my prison, that I may praise your name.” – Psalm 142:7

Let us choose joy.

Let us choose to be full of life and service to others.

Let us show how the love of the Lord works in us and through us, even in times of struggle.

“May the God of hope fill you with all the joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” – Romans 15:13

It seems difficult to serve others when we ourselves are hurting, but you, my friend, also know how others in your situations may be feeling. Your ability to minister to others will leave a lasting legacy in their lives.

So how do we show love to others this Mother’s Day?

• Send a card to someone who may be dealing with infertility. Let her know you’re thinking of and praying for her.

• Same thing goes for a woman who has experienced the loss of a child this year. To often our culture deems a woman only a mother when she can physically hold her child. But there are many that long to hold their children, yet will have to wait for heaven until they can. Let these mothers know that they are celebrated and loved.

• Look around your social circle or church for that single mom that needs encouragement. Invite her over for dinner or send her a card acknowledging her work.

• There are also mothers out there struggling with feeling their worth as older children cause a divide in the home. Find a way to encourage them, give them a hug and let them know how “good enough” they really are.

• The loss of a mother is also a devastating event. (it’s actually the real reason Mother’s Day was created. The founder wanted to have a way to honor her mother after she had passed.) So remember those around you that no longer have their mother with them.

I’m not suggesting that the pain of infertility or loss will go away. We all have different journeys, different emotions, different outcomes. I’m only suggesting that we show love to others who are struggling on Mother’s Day as well, to let them know they are being thought of, that they are loved, to help take some of the sting out of their day.

How have you been able to choose joy?

How are you showing love to someone else this year?

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For those of you interested in Shoshanna Easling’s book, Making Babies, I noticed that it’s currently 34% off (only $23.04) on Amazon with free shipping on orders over $25. There’s only 11 in stock right now!

(this is just for the book, not the book and DVD set)

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Thank you all for entering and sharing with your friends.

Without further ado, the winner is……

Jamie!

An email has gone out to her and she has 48 hours to claim her prize.

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Since you’re all the ones that use the site and read the blog, I’m wondering if you could tell me if you’ve found something to be lacking or what you would find helpful. We’re not talking content, but how things are laid out and arranged.

• Can you find what you’re looking for?
• What type of things do you want on the front page?
• What have you looked for that you can’t find?

Just leave a comment and let me know if there is something we can change to make it a better experience for you.

Thanks!

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Plus it tastes great!

In fact, my husband was the only one that wasn’t gobbling it up.

But then again, veggies and dip really aren’t his snacking preference. (I’m still working on it…..)

I found the recipe for Cashew Ranch Dressing while going through the Making Babies book by Shoshanna Easling (giveaway going on now!) and made it the very next day.

Dairy-free Ranch Dressing

Ingredients
3/4 cup cashews
1/2 cup boiling water
2 Tbsp lemon juice or apple cider vinegar (she used both, just one was enough for me)
3 Tbsp extra virgin olive oil
1/2 tsp sea salt
1 Tbsp garlic powder
1 Tbsp onion powder
1 tsp dried basil
1 tsp dried dill

Method of Preparation

1. Pour the boiling water over the cashews and let sit for 2 hours. (you could alternatively just use cashews that you’re soaking and dehydrating) Drain excess water.

2. Add all ingredients in a blender or food processor and blend until smooth.

This simple dip is sure to be a crowd pleaser.

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And why would a person want to learn ‘how’ to blog?

Well, if you’ve ever tried to start a blog, you know. It’s a lot harder than you’d think it might be!

Photography, SEO, keywords, trying to write so that you don’t sound like a dufus…….

One of the biggest benefits, besides the learning, is the food. Fantastic food brought in by some of Chicago’s finest gluten free restaurants!

And yes. See that back there by the subs? That’s tofu folks, and you all know how I feel about soy!

I was to busy chatting with a new friend and fellow natural fertility enthusiast, Jennilyn from Eat a Real Meal, to notice.

Being not so lady like, I was shoveling in the fantastic food on my plate until……with food still in my mouth(again, unladylike) “Oh my gosh…that’s not chicken!”

I am sooooooo glad I do not think soy is healthy. I may just starve because of the gross texture.

So there you have it – don’t eat soy or you may gag in public.

It might actually be a good thing we don’t have a place in town that makes these yummy morsels. I might have to start blogging at “Natural Birth Control and How to Shut Down the Ovaries”.

I’ll admit it though – I had two of these mini cupcakes and enjoyed every second of them as I bonded with new blogger friends over lunch.

Speaking of friends……

I got the pleasure of spending my day with (L to R) Katie from Kitchen Stewardship, Kelly from Kelly the Kitchen Kop, (me – seriously, when am I gonna learn to keep my chin up! Though the weight that came on after the miscarriage may be affecting that double chin of mine…..) and Dara from Elysium Naturals.

In the nature of a blog conference, we also got photo bombed.

They took off before I got the chance to ask who they were.

So…..new friends that I don’t know you’re name……let’s meet officially. Hi, I’m Donielle. And you are………..?

I’m so glad I got the opportunity to go to the Nourished Food Blogger Conference this year! I was pleasantly surprised at what I took away to add to my blog, and of course how awesome the SWAG bags were, but also how friendly everyone was – even though we all had different ideals on diet and nutrition. People were very open and honest, but also very open and didn’t look down on anyone else because of the way they ate.

Just as a blog conference should be.

I’ve heard next year that’s it’s in Texas! I should go dig out my boots and cowboy hat now.

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Just a quick note to tell you all that my friend Diane’s book “Beauty Gone Wild” is free on Amazon today!

This is a Kindle book. But you do not need a Kindle to read it, I happen to have a Kindle app on my phone that works great and you can also download on to your PC as well.

“Tired of forking over large amounts of money for fancy-pants lotions, creams, hair care products, and perfumes? Want to get rid of your cupboard of chemical cocktails disguised as deodorants and toothpaste? In Beauty Gone Wild! (Volume II of the Herbs Gone Wild! Series) you’ll learn how to save a ton of money while avoiding harmful ingredients by making your own herb-based beauty care products. The instructions are easy, the ingredients pure and natural. The best part? It’s fun. And the results are phenomenal.“

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