I’m Not Always OK.

It’s been one month and one day since my little one was born earthside, and heaven-born about a week before.

My heart still aches.

There isn’t a day/hour/moment that goes by that I don’t think of my baby.

And while time doesn’t heal all wounds, God sure does.

We have joy, and peace, and comfort while we mourn, knowing that we’ll see our little one again. We just have to wait a bit longer than 9 months.

And it’s getting easier, but there are still moments.

Moments that tug at my heart, bringing tears and rawness. Moments that remind me of the loss of our dream.

My young 5-year-old son trying to quantify our grief as we told him his little sibling passed away. He started at 100 and kept adding numbers, each time asking “mommy, are you this many sad?”
Sadness

The glass of wine I drank each night for a week to calm my anxiety enough to go to sleep.
Wine

The bills we started getting less than a week after the ER visit.
Bills

Putting away the maternity clothes only a week after getting them out. And now the empty space where these clothes once hung.
Clothes

Writing in my journal, documenting these days of grief. Seeing it sit on my nightstand, anxious because I haven’t pulled it out in two weeks – too emotionally exhausting.
Writing my baby's birth story- because writing is therapy.

A piece of me will always be broken.

But I pray each day that God uses that broken part of me to teach me how to love; to love others, to love my family, and to love Him.

 

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About Donielle

Donielle is an amateur herbalist and natural momma to two littles (with another babe in heaven) after dealing with being less than fertile. She has a passion for nourishing nutrition, natural living, and spreading the word on how food truly affects our health.

Comments

  1. Heather B. says:

    Thank you for sharing your experience. I wasn’t as far along as you but I too find that I think I’m doing better and then something like my son carrying his deceased grandpa’s photo around all day can trigger thoughts of our miracle baby and I cry tears of happiness and sadness because I believe he/she is with my family who are in Heaven but sadness that we won’t meet him/her next summer….

  2. Thank you for sharing your grief with us and know that we are here to send a cyber hug; I love the reminder that I need to be grateful for those moments when I want to pull out my hair as a mother, wife…the list goes on. May you find comfort in documenting these moments and I pray that God can smooth over the rough edges of the brokeness you feel. My heart hurts for you and your family and just wanted you to know that you are in my prayers this season.

  3. I lost my first born, a little girl, unexpectedly shortly after birth in May 2010. It’s so hard, no matter how far along you were, to lose a baby. I have met so many amazing women on this journey. Come to Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope or Glow in the Woods if you need more support. We are all willing to sit with you during this initial time of intense grief. The pain never goes away, but it will ease.

  4. You just brought tears to my eyes. It does get a little easier, but there still is never a day that goes by that doesn’t remind you.

    It’s been two years since we lost our first baby, and I can’t help but think of him/her every time I look at my young son. I love him more than life itself, but he wasn’t supposed to be my first baby. My first baby is in heaven.

    To add to the sting, it actually cost more for us to NOT have a living baby than it did to have a living baby. Something’s wrong there.

  5. Patti Shellenbarger says:

    Donielle, your post is very moving and I feel like I am grieving with you although we have never met. You stated it well, “We have joy, and peace, and comfort while we mourn, knowing that we’ll see our little one again. We just have to wait a bit longer than 9 months.” I will remember you and your family in my prayers.

  6. A big Hug to you….I am going through the same thing )-;

  7. I am so sorry for your loss.

  8. I’m still not ok from a 17 week loss we had 4 years ago Thanksgiving. It takes a long time to heal deep wounds. I’m not saying it will take 4 years, my experience was really traumatic. I hope you find your happiness again soon.

  9. It’s so wonderful to read these real words that express the real loss of a miscarriage – that it is a process not an event. I can remember my church singing “It is Well” one Sunday… and feeling very strongly that IT IS NOT WELL WITH MY SOUL! It was these times that I knew (and know) that my baby(ies) are still very much a part of who I am and will always be. I will be thinking of you as you and your whole family continue to mourn this loss.

  10. Hugs and tears. I haven’t been there but I feel your pain.

    Jeanne G. Reply:

    @Jeanne G., No that is NOT true. I can’t feel your pain because I haven’t been there, but I feel pain for you.

  11. How weird…I was just writing up a blog post about OUR miscarriage. I’m very sorry for your loss. It’s hard, and weird, and difficult to explain.

  12. I am so sorry for you loss, Donielle! Yet, I am so thankful for the words you wrote, that show your dependence on God for your healing. I have been on this journey too, in some ways. I lost our son, Joseph, 9 days before my due date. Now, it has been 5 years since his soul went to heaven, yet at times feels like yesterday.

    I must say though, that my family and I grew by leaps and bounds spiritually during the intense grief….and have formed relationships with people because of his life, that we may never have known otherwise.

    Much good can come out of things that are so extremely difficult.

    I encourage you to keep resting in His everlasting arms. They never tire of holding you.

    Blessings,

    Joy~

  13. I am so sorry for your loss. It soothes my heart to hear your grief, as so often we Christians try to pretend that everything is OK all the time. May you be blessed knowing that there is a time to mourn, and knowing that you are ministering to others who mourn by being honest about your feelings.

    Recently a sweet gal from our church had a similar experience. Perhaps her thoughts will encourage you. http://goodwordgoodwins.blogspot.com/2011/11/our-journey-of-grief-and-joy.html

    Praying that you will be surrounded and loved by our Heavenly Father!

  14. I don’t know your pain… I can only imagine it. So sorry for your loss and I will be praying for you!

  15. Thank you for your beautiful, honest words…That’s all I can muster, but thank you!

  16. This brought me to tears! We had a miscarriage 10 years ago and then another 6 years ago and I still think about my babies. They are mine and always will be. Sometimes I think of them with happiness. To think, I actually have 6 kids!! And other times I look at my kids and wonder what the other 2 would have looked like or what kind of personalities they would have added to the family. But, God is good and God can take those feelings and use them to help others! God can use our pain to encourage another to keep going. God had a reason for those babies or they never would have been. God did it all for a reason. I can rest knowing that God had a reason and those babies accomplished the thing God set for them to accomplish or He wouldn’t have taken them early. I love my babies – all 6 of them!!

    Praying for you!

  17. I have had too many losses and that has lead me on a journey to be healthier than I knew to be before and your website is one of the first that was recommended to me for this purpose. I hope that we will both be successful at increasing our family. My son has asked many questions about Heaven and God and death, etc. We have learned the special sad called grief. We lost a number of little ones as well as my mother, grandfather, uncle and our pet cat in the last several years. I take comfort in the fact that my Mom was there to welcome them. They got to meet their Grandma before their Mom but that is ok. Jesus and Grandma are taking good care of them I am sure!

    donielle Reply:

    @Julie, I absolutely love thinking about the fact that my Grandfather got to show my little one around heaven. :-)

  18. Hi Donielle,
    I’m 25, with Pcos, and I miscarried my first and only (thusfar) baby in May of 2009. I just wanted to let you know that although you are going through something so rough, that feeling of pain and grief and disappointment does heal, but it is a slow process. I remember being angry at anyone trying to offer me condolences because I felt that NO ONE could know how I felt or could say anything that would make me feel better- after all they could not give me my baby back could they? especially when they said things like “these things happen for a reason”, I remember thinking what reason could possibly justify this depth of pain? but I survived it, after a full year of dark depression I came out of it with something I did not have before – growth. It’s hard but you need to let all the blessings and love that already exist in your life dissolve the pain. And it breaks my heart seeing the pictures of the things that remind you of the miscarriage, I know for me the smell in my local medical centre makes me feel physically ill to this day because I had to sit in that waiting room while I waited for blood tests to confirm the miscarriage. Anyway, sorry for going on so long, just wanted you to know there is a light at the end of this, call it love, call it Jesus, call it what ever you like, but I promise it waits there for you to be ready to let it in.

  19. Your story is touching. Thanks for your witness on God’s saving power…even in your misery. May you blessed with more joyful days than tearful days.

  20. I’m so sorry for your loss, but God has a way of using our tragedy’s to lift others. We have six born to heaven from Mother’s Day 1990 to Fourth of July 1998 and we still think about them. It wasn’t always easy, especially given there are people dumb enough to belittle miscarriage as a non issue, but after all these years I can think peacefully on our loss and I have the comfort that our experience has given us the compassion to pass onto others going through the same thing. I pray that God will be bring you peace quickly and only put compassionate people in your path.

  21. Thank you for sharing your heart -big hugs to you! Losing a child is hard no matter when you lose them. Our daughter was stillborn this past June at 35.5 weeks. My heart still breaks but like you said -it’s not time that heals, it’s God that does.

  22. I don’t have perfect words of comfort, but you are in my prayers.

  23. I’m so sorry. :( We lost our baby on January 6, 2009, and while it is still hard sometimes, it has gotten worlds easier. We have had two beautiful children since then, but I feel like there is still a hole in our family. I had such a rough time losing our baby. I took muscle relaxers for days because I was in so much pain, physically and emotionally. It is rough, but I’m so thankful that we have our first son, who we named Avery Michael, waiting for us in Heaven, even though I would have rather met him on earth first. But God used the whole experience to humble me, and to bring me to a place where I had to fully rely on Him to get me through the days. He used it to teach me compassion, and to show me how much I need Him. I have learned so much through it, and I pray God will use your situation to minister to you and others. All things work together for good!

    I’m so sorry for your loss, I am praying for you.

  24. I am sorry for your loss I had my miscarriage 17 years ago and its still hard for me I think about him because i felt he was a boy all the time and I cry alot Even though I now have a 7 year old little girl I love dearly. I will never forget him and always feel like I am missing a part of me. Thank You for being here.

  25. Tears are just flowing down. Your blogging is a Godsend. I just had a miscarriage (our first) and this is the first blog I have found that is of a Christian woman telling her story. Thank you for sharing and encouraging me in my walk with Jesus.

    Donielle Reply:

    @Misslola, Misslola, I’m so very sorry for the loss of your little one! It always breaks my heart to hear of another mama with empty arms. Please be gentle with yourself in the coming days and months. Praying for your physical and emotional healing.