Last Thursday we met with a local midwife who attends births for women desiring to have a homebirth, the thought of such was exciting as we truly began preparing for our little one to join our family.
I spent a day last week cleaning out my closet not only of summer clothes, but the clothes I knew wouldn’t fit for months and months to come. I washed and hung all of my maternity clothes, searched the barn to make sure I knew where the newborn clothes were so I could grab them easily next spring.
I began counting down the days until we could find out the sex. I loved watching my belly begin to grow.
And then it all changed.
While the midwife didn’t hear a heartbeat on Thursday, I tried not to worry. It was still early enough where that’s considered normal – we were only 9 weeks past conception (technically considered 11 weeks along). But on Saturday when the spotting began, I just knew.
And on Sunday morning when it wasn’t stopping, my dear husband took me to the ER to see what was going on – the worry was becoming all consuming.
We spent what seemed like forever waiting, and by the time the ultrasound tech came in, she couldn’t hurry fast enough for me. She asked if I wanted to watch (of course!) and informed me that because she wasn’t the doc, she couldn’t tell me anything. When the screen lit up and I saw my baby for the first time I was ecstatic to see that little life form…until I realized it wasn’t moving, and there was no heart beat.
The ultrasound seemed to take an eternity, for which I am grateful – I knew it was going to be the only time I’d be able to see him this side of heaven. The image of my baby is now etched deep inside my heart, although it feels like it’s burst into a million pieces.
My Heavenly Father now carries my little one in his arms just as he carries us through our grief.
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You are not alone.
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Oh, Donielle! My heart aches for you! I was pregnant and conceived about the same time you did. I miscarried at almost 8 weeks. I already have two beautiful girls, and this was a very unexpected thing. Four of my girlfriends announced their pregnancy around that time, also. I had to unfollow you on Twitter and unsubscribe to your blog because I just wasn’t ready to hear someone else’s pregnancy updates yet. I’m freshly pregnant again, and I decided to check your blog to see how you were doing and get some resources. I did not expect to read this, and I really, really feel for you. Thank heavens we have an eye on a bigger power than our sadness – and a hope and a future! I have to say that I have an entirely different view on pregnancy now. I am so thankful to have a positive pregnancy test but am very sobered by the reality of how tenuous the development of life really is.
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This happened to me in Sept. and that is what led me to you. I’m sorry for your loss, thank you for everything you do. <3
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Oh, Donielle, so many of us know that feeling all too well. It’s one that we can never forget. You will be in my thoughts and prayers…
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Donielle,
I’m only just reading this now and my heart breaks for you. I love that we are so safe in the arms of our Creator, and I trust that He is holding you in every difficult moment. You are such a blessing to the community you’ve created here, and we are grateful for you…aching with you. Praying for continued peace and abundant hope for the future! Love…
Molly
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