We’ve had a good run these last few years, but it’s at this point in our relationship that I feel we need to part ways.
At the beginning of our relationship you were new and exciting, rebellious in nature. You were the kind of man I was always told to stay away from. Being with you was exhilarating, everyday learning something new, trying something new, tasting something new. I felt like I was seeing the world through new eyes and with new taste buds. My heart fell in love with you even when my body and education told me you were no good.
You see dearest Weston, your love of saturated fats fit well with my habit of eating copious amounts of butter. And beef. And cheese. Your love for travel and photography pulled me in like no other hobbies could.
But, I’m sorry my love, it is time for us to part ways. But please don’t worry, it’s me, not you and your soggy bread. You had good intentions and I know you meant well, but I’ve had a new awakening within myself.
You see, I have a new man in my life. His name is Andrew D. Wilson and he’s the head researcher at the Harvard Food Science and Nutrition Institute, and well…..he’s my new love. Andrew, or Andy as only I call him, has also spent his life traveling. In fact, we’re still traveling and going on new adventures (unlike yourself), so each day is something new. He’s the best I’ve ever had in the kitchen. And my hips thank him endlessly now that we can see them again.
In study after study he’s proved to me what real eating is and I’m finally seeing the world in color again instead of shades of milk and liver. So much of what you’ve taught me (and what I believed) was only true because I wanted it to be. I wanted to cave into my bad habits, I wanted the acceptance to eat as I wished. I wanted to believe that following my ancestors traditions, as you were, would lead to a better life for myself and my family. I actually feel rather betrayed that I trusted you so much, when so much of what you said was so very false.
It’s been a tough decision for me, one I’ve been mulling over for months now, but we must make a clean break to clean my arteries. I’m sure a man like yourself will no doubt find many other women to seduce with your rich and indulgent foods. You’ll be better off I’m sure with someone who can eat her weight in bacon.
For those of you that know me well, I know this is a complete shocker, but I’ve put on a false front for a long time now (such things happen when relationships go bad). But please don’t worry or stress I love you very much and always will, this is NOT your fault. I can also speak for Weston here for just a minute and say he still loves you too. Your life won’t change, you just won’t see us together anymore. And dearest readers, I have just one more thought to share………..
(I was totally just going to leave it at the letter and have it just be really funny to come back later and say it, but was afraid y’all might just unsubscribe! Then I’d be busy e-mailing sorry letters!)
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